This week I am tending to myself

it has been a long time coming

It’s 2.24pm on Saturday. I’m lying in the shadows of our room next to my son in bed, his arm across my chest, his breathing noisy and shallow, so close we are one. I have a cold again, my hands and feet are ice, my wrists ache, my eyes are sore, my sinuses hurt. But it is Saturday, the weekend, and I am luxuriating in this moment.

Yesterday when I left for work the moon was huge and low in the sky, threatening to fall. Driving home in a pink blue haze, it rose again, great white disc behind wisps of cloud. The Winter Solstice.

Last night I went to bed at 8, took my son with me and held him tight inside my arms. We didn’t rise again until 8 this morning.

Yesterday the sun stood still, held safe in the embrace of the moon, and the world paused a moment on its axis, my world I mean, this chaos of love and light, of long hours, conflicted feelings, of exhaustion and excitement, of desire and despair, and as I drove home in the warmth of my car, I felt serene under the watch of the moon.

Now, the house is warm with the smell of fried onions. This morning I drank tea, strong, Yorkshire tea, to the smell of fresh toast. My baby sleeps beside me and above us planes rumble, the moon and sun are blanketed in cloud, the world vibrates in the buzz of a lawnmower, birds chatter in the trees, the road breathes deeply in and sighs, I hear a teaspoon clinking against china, my baby’s harsh and raspy snuffly breath, my stomach growl. And then O stirs, wakes, his lashes sweep up, arrest, held for a moment in the sound of it all, and then he lifts his arms in the air, stretches, sits, exclaims. 3:04pm. Nap time is over.

Or is it? He turns, nuzzles into my chest, buries his face, wraps me in his arms. The world turns again on its axis, unspooling a little more, and I sink back into the pillow, the peace of the moment, the stillness, the sound. We ride the wave.

This week I am tending to myself. It has been a long time coming. It is sorely required.

You can follow me on instagram too @zks_mother.doctor.writer. I post about the same themes: motherhood, medical training, and identity.

In the bigger picture? I am working on a memoir about my experience training as a doctor and working while pregnant. If you’re a writer too, please be my friend!